


A pEter PaRkEr HyDrA cRaCk

by DracoDeservesBetter



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Hydra Peter Parker, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I still am, I wrote most of this while I was sleep deprived, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Why Did I Write This?, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 21:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17495309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoDeservesBetter/pseuds/DracoDeservesBetter
Summary: Peter, who is a Hydra soldier, is sent to take down the Avengers. The Avengers may be prepared to fight the usual hydra winter soldier type agent, but they were never expecting the level of sass Hydra had trained Peter with.





	A pEter PaRkEr HyDrA cRaCk

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Also probably most of the, "Typos," are intentional, but I didn't really do my usual spell and grammar check. Yeah, sorry about that too...

“Can you fucking do this bitch?” The hydra agent asked Peter.

“Yes! Calm down honey! I know what I’m doing.”

Peter, also known as the Spinne (spider in German hehe) was sent on a mission to take down the Avengers. Hydra knew Peter was their best bet. They didn’t want a repeat of what happened with the Winter Soldier, so they were extra cautious this time. 

“How will you take down Captain America?” The agent asked.

“I will shoot him in ze legs, because his shield is the size of a dinner plate, and he is an idiot!” Peter declared feeling proud of his reference.

“Good. Don’t forget your training. And don’t try to hurt one of them too soon. Make a personal connection or something,” the hydro flask said.

“Mmmmmm kayyyy bitches! Time for me to go go!” Peter practically yelled as he stood up knocking over the table which held a few jello art installations.

“You bitch!” The water bottle yelled.

“Uno reverse cinnamon bun chum!” Peter let out as he back flipped over to the ramp of the plane. “Ciao fuckers!” And with that, he jumped out of the plane and gracefully landed on a big ass telescope.

“Whhhattt thhheeee fuuuucckk????” Peter said loudly.

He quickly climbed down and began his journey to the Avengers tower. This was going to be quite a roller coaster. But at least those are fun right? Right?....

———————————-

“Tony. Stop,” Steve said as he watched Tony attempt to soften butter with his iron man hand gauntlet thing. Same here

“Steve, this would be so cool,” he said exasperated.

“WHATS UP FUCKERS?!” Clint yelled as he entered the room.

“Why do you have my phone?” Steve asked once he realized Clint had somehow taken it and was filming.

“FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY!” Clint hollered back before turning off the phone and putting it in his back pocket.

“Clint……..language,” Steve said in a small voice while holding his hands over his ears.

“Sorry grandpa,” Clint said with a smirk (Heeeee heeeee).

Suddenly a loud thud his the window. They all turned to look and found someone dressed in a black spandex unitard with a small hydra logo on the chest.

“WHATS UP FUCKERS?” The spider dude yelled.

“Sorry bud. Already quoted that one today,” Clint said with sad eyes.

“Oh….” Spider boi said still sticking to the window.

“Are you sent from Hydra,” Tony asked.

“Sent, requested, begged, forced, suggested, all the same thing,” Petie pie said.

“Oh...well I guess we gotta take you in for questioning?” Tony said turning to Steve and Clint. 

“Oh no! What ever will I do? I must escape this place! Oh but my hands are so tired. Perhaps if I rest here for just a little while I will have the strength to leave!” Spider-mood said and pretended to faint.

“I like him,” Clint said.

“He’s alright,” Steve joined in.

“Let’s just get him off my floor okay?” Tony suggested.

So they did.

—————————-  
“VODKA!!!!” Natasha yelled from down the hall as she threw an empty glass bottle.

“Uhhhh don’t you mean...THIS BITCH EMPTY! YEEEEET!” Sam screamed in response.

Peter had no fucking idea what he had gotten himself into, but he kinda liked it. The avengers seemed nice from the few interactions he’d had, and they hadn’t really questioned him or anything. That is, until he was called into questioning.

“So, spider suit. We were wondering why you, as an agent of hydra, know so many references and are so happy? My boi Bucky was not the same,” Steve said.

“Well I guess cause Hydra was like oops maybe we should treat our employees better hehe after the Winter Soldier sitshiation. So yeah. Now I am like this. After many hour long, 'Vines that butter my croissant,' compilation videos, I’m a different person,” Peter replied and then gave a little, “Hee hee.”

“Oh tea sis,” Bucky whispered from the corner.

“Yes! Tea sis!” Peter blabbed.

“Do you know when Hydra took you?” Tony said before someone brought up anymore vines.

“Took?? Oh no sis! I was raised! Mom and dad didn’t make it and I guess for some reason Hydra got me after that. Love them though. A great fam. Really,” Peter said with a small smile.

“I have a hard time believing that,” Bucky said.

“K, maybe they did take me. But I still like them...kinda,” Peter said trying to argue.

“Kinda?” Steve asked.

“Yeah I mean they feed me and give me a place to sleep, but they also do some not so gucci things too,” Peter confessed.

“Those bitches!” Yelled Bucky as he got up and threw his chair.

“Can I get a waffle?” Peter asked and got a few confused looks, but then a crashing noise came from down the hall. Soon a Wanda and Shuri appeared in the door frame.

“Can I please get a waffle!?” Shuri shrieked once she caught her breath.

Peter smiled once he saw he wasn’t the only one on the young side in the building.

“Listen, we’re trying to help you, but you need to cooperate,” Tony tried to reason.

“HoW dO yOu KnOw WhAt’S gOoD fOr Me?!” Peter screamed.

“THAT’S MY OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!” Wanda and Shuri screamed back in unison. 

“Oh my god what have I done?” Tony mumbled.

“Something magnificent!” Wanda said.

“Can you tell us your name?” Steve asked.

“Peter, I think,” Parker said.

“Yeah, they’ll do that to em,” Bucky said backing up Peter.  
“So, Peter,” Tony said carefully, “Why were you sent to the Avengers compound?”

“Mmmm, something in my brain is yelling at me not to tell you,” Peter replied.

A small, “Oof,“ came out of Bucky. He knew exactly what Peter meant.

“Peter, you’re safe here,” Tony tried to comfort him.

“Mmm hmmm...I can’t tell you. My not so sincerest apologies,” he said and forced a smile.

Tony visibly got angry. Steve rushed over to try and calm him down, but with all the commotion, Peter had managed to wiggle his way out of any restraints they’d put on him. He had almost made it out the door when someone stepped in front of him.

“Going somewhere?” Black Widow asked. 

“Yes actually,” Peter said before doing a little single ladies dance, and then felt a hard smack on the back of his head.

“Hey! Did anyone else notice that the kid was trying to escape? No!? Seriously!? Oh my god! I have to do everything around here!” Natasha said clearly annoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> In my defense, I was getting about 5-6 hours of sleep each night for like two weeks, and I also made a promise to myself that I would only write when it was late at night. I wish I knew why. I really do.


End file.
